either way, there’s been this tiny little buggy feeling in the back of my mind that i can’t seem to put to rest completely. and in the vein hope that publishing (to no readers) would help me get that little peace of mind.

this story begins with a friend i have in San Francisco, who is originally from Thailand. said friend’s name is A.

A is in his very late 20′s -as in, he is turning 30 next summer- kind of late. and A happened to be stuck in SF for the summer. a small favour asked by him, who had helped me through all the hard tasks in each semester both classroom related and not, is just so easy for me to do. he only wanted me to take a shirt, and a pair of shoes back to Thailand with me, and he’d have someone pick those up, as well as trading something for me to carry back to him.

easy-wheezy. i agreed.

a friend of A’s who was to do the exchange got my number from him. a door-to-door salesman, from what i gathered. most definitely A’s age. said friend of A’s is named P. it turned out that P wanted to do the exchanging on the day i made plans to go out, so i sent P to my mother, at her office.

no problem there.

the salesman left a brochure of his products with my mom, without so much as a word. it took a phone call from me to find out he saw an opportunity to sell his shit -excuse my language- to my mom’s office.

not so much of a problem there. (except the fact that he struck me as a very unpromising and unqualified direct-salesperson. )

later that evening, i got home to find a facebook friend request from P. okay, friend of a respected friend.. no problem there. yet.

few days later, i got on facebook, and i saw right on the very homepage, that P had made an effort to talk to A on his wall. with a post that said (translated) – “Dude, I saw —-’s pictures. I can’t do THAT.” can you fill in the blank?

well, if you even read this in the first place, chances are, you guessed my name into the blank spot. you got that right.

so i wrote a little comment right back, saying “you might wanna make sure i don’t see this, handsome.” and a minute later, the whole post disappeared.

just to make matters worse, a few days later, another package addressed to me came to the office, and it seemed no one knew where it came from as the thick-faced isn’t so thick after all and just dropped it off.

let me tell you, if you don’t already know.. the guy is 30. ugly enough to need help from his long-distance friend to find a girl. the guy saw a few pictures of me, and just disgustedly dismissed me as a potential girl. and on a more important note; i had absolutely NO idea when accepting to do him the little favour, that A had such hidden agenda, or never had i thought he would have any.

hey, between the two of you, there’s literally about two decades ahead of me, and i have more dignity than that.

as for A, i have a little speech prepared for him. it goes something like this: “Hey, A. Thanks for your concern and your taking interest in my love life. I know you tried because you meant well, and I truly appreciate it. But lets stop here, okay? As for your -friend- two things: one; there isn’t a need for us to ever meet in this lifetime, so I sure hope it ends here.. and two; as an older person and as a fellow human-being, he had lost all the rights to my slightest of respect. So again, thanks.. but no, thanks.”

this thing happened about a month ago, and yet i still have that itchy feeling in my throat when i think about it. sure still gets me mad at some point.

it’s harder for me than an average 21 year old female to let go.

and as i know i have great friends who value me for who i am, and nicely showed that they appreciate -despite the fact that i can’t tell if they did it through gritted teeth- how i look, and great friends who kept telling me that the dude is a jerk and is in no way deserving of a mili-thought.. and great parents who would always stand by me, and great brother who chuckled at my comebacks for the guys.. i also can’t help but think, and feel bad, that my pictures alone can drive away a complete stranger. (seriously, facebook pictures were carefully selected.) i also can’t help but wonder what had been said between them, about me, especially by a friend who i respected so well.

and more importantly.. i can’t understand the fact that an acceptably -ugly- fully-grown man is enough of an imbecile to degrade a member of his mother’s gender without having ever met her. how he could live this long without getting his tongue cut off and eyes gorged out, i can’t fathom.

now, if you care enough to tell me.. am i THAT bad? physically and mentally? because the other side of this story is, i got rejected by a girlfriendless, quite bad-looking 30 year old that i’d never even met.

but yeah.. i’m now judging you as a very, very bad case in my book. good riddance.

here goes:
- Re-read เพชรพระอุมา
- Re-read โคทาโร่ ภาคยูโด
- Re-watch all Grey’s Anatomy, House, and Supernatural
- Go to HuaHin, Chiang Mai, Phuket, and Pattaya
- Take at least two skill-building related courses
- Make Sherry a Twitter account
- Read all design books bought
- Read all novels bought
- Complete at least ONE model making project
- Visit another country
- Sketch, sketch, sketch
- Get facial reconstruction

now i’m settling for just barely passing.

this isn’t happening.

somewhere along the line, i went from barely ever missing a day of school, to maxing out my absents in each class, with penalties. somewhere along the line, i went from working hard and seeing great results, to working hard enough just so it’s done.

lately i’ve realized how everything seems to have negative effects on my mood and how my negative mood effects my physical health. it just got me thinking of giving up. i even went as far as contemplating quitting school over all and accept my title as a full-time failure. what would my mom say? how badly will this break my dad’s heart? i know.. i keep going. but i’m barely holding on, trust me.

i find it hard. so hard that many times over, i find myself looking for reasons to keep on living.. and there aren’t much. i’m lazy. unproductive. weak. i don’t have a time-management system, i don’t meet any of my goals (and believe me when i say i started with baby steps, i’ve tried them all) i don’t have any kind of support system in this big city away from home, aka, i don’t have friends. i don’t have the will to do whatever i’m supposed to be doing. all i want is to lie down and never have to wake up. fight or flight, i think from all this, anyone can tell which type i am..

this is affecting everything in my life. and i can’t even tell my family, the people whom i trust and rely on the most. so help me god, i need to change.

i can operate just fine. it’s just more exhausting than usual, to feel the urge to smack someone upside their heads or to want to push people away after realizing that what they’ve said and done any other time had been secretly irritating all along. and yet it’s not like i want to be alone.

guess i just want to hear only the right things..

today, i learned that American military does not allow a person with criminal record to join the army, except for those who were granted moral waiver.

well, in Thailand, some of those who joined the army did so to get any sort of income.. to buy drugs.

since at young age, the people of these highly developed countries were taught to love, and be loyal to their nation. how is that any different from us? isn’t it in our national anthem that we make children sing every morning in school? yes.. we do teach our children that, and when we were children ourselves, we were taught that very same thing. ask our parents, grandparents, and ask our children, they might even give you the exact same answer as to what was taught at what age. we do not attempt to find new methods in teaching. we do not attempt to move forward. we move alright, but we’re stomping around in the same spot, if not at all backwards. sure, our educational system is more intense. sure, we have lower drop out rates of students in high school and lower. sure, we make children go to school, put on uniforms, follow strict rules.

but why are we still where we are today, with years long protests and daily body counts from gun violence caused by the hands of our own people?

this is probably a heavy topic to tackle. i started to blog, only to compare a few things on my own notes about how differently things are handled between the USA, and my tiny little homeland, and here i am blabbering on. but i have a point.

it is in my belief that even though we Thais push ourselves possibly much harder than the North Americans, we also limit our own potential in the process. you have to admit, we’ve got some serious weird thinking going on..

think: Mrs. Ra-Beab-Rath condemning actresses, models and singers and even beauty pageant contestants for wearing anything other than turtlenecks and sweatpants.

think: A-NET/O-NET exams that confuses not only the students but also everyone else who had heard about the damn things.

think: lack of enforcement on the transportation laws, or any other categories of laws, for that matter! i mean, i’m gonna have to live with speed limit, but it’s better than death rates of drunk-driving idiots’ victims.

think: bribery and what it brought us to today, the national chaos that no longer stays within the three southern border provinces but has invaded  the most sacred and government-centered parts of our capital city. i know enough to say that they are of different causes and reasons, but it is the same idea and lack of principals that had caused and had cost us lives and reputations.

with these things in mind, can you comprehend why our children don’t believe in the development of the nation? why they don’t ‘love’ and be ‘loyal’ and want to fight for our country like American soldiers would? because WE ourselves and those who had taught us beforehand, don’t even truly believe it.

people are now ‘bleeding’ IN Thailand, but not FOR Thailand.

as much as i love the land that i call ‘home’, and as much as i love and am loyal to His Majesty the King, i have yet to gain back faith in our country. because right now, i don’t believe it. i don’t believe that with everything that’s going on, our country is developing.

fans of the internet purchasing living in the states of California, Arizona, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Utah be warned: if you want your packages to see the light of day, inside the homes of the intended owner, do NOT ship with OnTrac or purchase anything that will use this courier service.

the attached document below is an email i just sent to the Customer Service of Amazon.com, you’ll get the full story (so far) there. i did try my best to be thorough and get my points across, as well as keeping grammatical errors to the minimum, but a girl can juggle so much when she’s on her own. so here, the members of planet earth who happened to stumble across this blog entry, read on, read away, read for the star.

Complaint email to Amazon

so here i am, hoping to give web-logging another shot. let me re-introduce myself and update whoever dares or cares to read this about my current living situation and interests. this is taken from my online profile of the school account, with a few little tweaks here and there to suit better with general public.

Hello, look around for my name. I’m from Thailand. I moved to San Francisco in Jan. ’08 and I’m in the 7th semester of my second post-secondary education place called Academy of Art University, which consists of all sorts of properties scattering all over San Francisco metro area, taking up a whole 1% of the real estate within this epic city.

I’m an Industrial Design student, majoring in Product Design, a switch from my former Transportation Design title, as we did not seem to have matching chemistry for one another.

Like a lot of people, I am my own worst critic. My hobbies include singing, cooking, baking, internet browsing, photography, photoshopping, good-looking people-watching, and writing. The best means to get connected with me are via SMS, Facebook, and Twitter. I don’t accept MSN friends requests from strangers, and I dislike typing with capital letters.

so, if all goes as planned, i will be back. hopefully there’s a waiting audience somewhere in little depressing, dark corners of the world.

oh, i sense another personal ranting coming..

guess what.. i surprisingly don’t miss being in a relationship. it came as a shock to me to remember ‘vaguely’ how much i was in love. yes, truly sad how i have nearly forgotten the fear of not being with a certain someone. how intensely the feromone and the oxytocin and whatever other chemical imbalances had affected me and dragged me under so deep i went blind.

it’s just so surprising that anger wins all.

i went back to read the several emails and blog posts left behind. the ones written and sent by me. and i was reminded of how stupid i was for having been fooled for so long, time after time. truth is, i always knew. from the very beginning, i could even pinpoint the exact big fat bitchwhore to be careful of. but i chose to shut my eyes so tight that i didn’t see what was happening later and later on.

okay, this is getting a little too personal. let’s take a step back.

i just need to rant. i have asked for help from someone whom i know cares for my well being and has shared the almost exact same experience. i have talked to a few respectable others who advised me to just manage my anger and let go. but i haven’t completely. i have come to a sad conclusion that even though i’m still a sucker for love and sappy, predictable romance, it’s probably not that great.

take it from me: love comes with hurt. they rhyme. but more importantly, they’re inseparable. if the love that i used to feel so intensely about can be nearly forgotten and overlooked, from now on my money is on ‘anger’. it’s more powerful and less predictable. i’m not saying it’s healthy, but oh, it wins.

Q: Often modern viewers and historians try to psychoanalyze artists through their work. What do you think of this notion? How much should we read into a work of art? Would you want people to read that deeply into your own work to formulate opinions about you and your state of mind?

Art is not always planned, nor is it always predictable. It is my believe that even though there are reasons and purposes behind each piece of work from most artists, some of them are results of spontaneity, creativity, and subconscious minds of the artists. Psychoanalysis can help revealing not only the meaning intended to be seen but also what lies beneath, at least to a degree. As writing classes always encourage; show, don’t tell. And although psychoanalyzing artwork can help us understand better of the artist’s background and anything related, art is not scientific nor mathematic. Art, and design, for that matter, is of personal opinion. There is no exact scale or standardization to define the meaning of each peace. I’m sure as much as some artists would like viewers to see their hidden meaning, there are some who wouldn’t agree that you’d look too deep into it.

To psychoanalyze means to investigate the mind and create theories about human behaviour. It is something most people do daily, to understand what a lonesome woman in a coffee shop may be thinking, or to crack the code that Leonardo da Vinci may or may not have left behind. Does looking so deep into the meaning behind the work make us blind to seeing what’s right on the surface? Life is full of mysteries and unanswered questions, what’s a few more?

Personally, I think psychoanalyzing the artwork is a good thing, if it’s not overdone. As much as we’d like to understand the creators of these beautiful things we admire, we have to be careful not to put too much of ourselves into the analysis and misinterpret the work as a whole.