i don’t know where i went wrong in this. i used to be one of the top students. i used to be front of the line. i used to compete, been nominated for awards – be it small honorary thing in elementary, but it showed i once put in efforts – i used to be teacher’s picks for my great work. i used to have achievements to be proud of.
now i’m settling for just barely passing.
this isn’t happening.
somewhere along the line, i went from barely ever missing a day of school, to maxing out my absents in each class, with penalties. somewhere along the line, i went from working hard and seeing great results, to working hard enough just so it’s done.
lately i’ve realized how everything seems to have negative effects on my mood and how my negative mood effects my physical health. it just got me thinking of giving up. i even went as far as contemplating quitting school over all and accept my title as a full-time failure. what would my mom say? how badly will this break my dad’s heart? i know.. i keep going. but i’m barely holding on, trust me.
i find it hard. so hard that many times over, i find myself looking for reasons to keep on living.. and there aren’t much. i’m lazy. unproductive. weak. i don’t have a time-management system, i don’t meet any of my goals (and believe me when i say i started with baby steps, i’ve tried them all) i don’t have any kind of support system in this big city away from home, aka, i don’t have friends. i don’t have the will to do whatever i’m supposed to be doing. all i want is to lie down and never have to wake up. fight or flight, i think from all this, anyone can tell which type i am..
this is affecting everything in my life. and i can’t even tell my family, the people whom i trust and rely on the most. so help me god, i need to change.
Posted on April 18, 2010
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