i’m your hell, i’m your dream.. i’m nothing in between.

after having an episode today – thanks to my illness – i feel i owe it to somebody to apologize. it’s probably not something so nice to blog about, but i feel like blogging right now, so there.

if you’re a close enough friend of mine, or if you’ve read my blog before, especially around this time of the year til about a few months ago, you should know i’ve got some triggers for sensitivity. these triggers happen to be quite sensitive as well.. and when i act up, i really do act up. for a certain someone, being with me is probably like trying to walk through a mine field. it’s quite dangerous. once you took the wrong step, you’d get hurt. you’d also break away another part of the field you’re walking on.

this being said, let me explain something..

you all can see, i’m really nothing better than average. i do try, on my good days, but not most of the time. i do try physically and mentally just to look better and actually ‘be’ better. i have my own beliefs, and i’m not talking religious believes. i believe in my own reasons.

hey, i like that.. i believe in my own reasons.

it might sound superficious to you, but then again, i have to believe that my reasons are solid enough, and that everyone should try to see things from my perspective.

i’ve been through a lot more than your average 20-year old.

certainly, it doesn’t mean i’m better. certainly, it doesn’t mean i’m smarter. certainly, it doesn’t mean i’m any more mature than you are, if you were 20 years old, at least. certainly, i’m not making any sense right now. but the point is, i don’t want you to underestimate me.

hence, my bitterness gets in the way from time to time, especially when i let insecurity wins. i have a lot of reasons to be bitter and a lot of things to be bitter for. it’s not good, and i can suppress those feelings by ignoring them, most the time. i can also suppress those feelings with the happiness that was streamed to me by my loved ones.. today, i just couldn’t.

it happened to be a sick day. i was lying in bed, not dared to walk down the stairs to get food in the fear of falling. my stomach moved like it hadn’t in months, since after the surgery when the doctor took out the fluid drain line. energy was drifting off of me every second, and yet i was unable to sleep. my limbs were numb, but my stomach pain never dulled.

when you’re like that, and someone teases you on the subject of your insecurity. something that triggers the old, unpleasant memories.. what would you do?

would you understand if i said i’m only human?

~ by pchaisawat on June 22, 2009.