caught up in circle, confusion is nothing new

i have been in a bottomless whirlpool of emotions lately. everything seems to be able to influence me to rethink of the recent past. influences me to remember.

oh, i sense another personal ranting coming..

guess what.. i surprisingly don’t miss being in a relationship. it came as a shock to me to remember ‘vaguely’ how much i was in love. yes, truly sad how i have nearly forgotten the fear of not being with a certain someone. how intensely the feromone and the oxytocin and whatever other chemical imbalances had affected me and dragged me under so deep i went blind.

it’s just so surprising that anger wins all.

i went back to read the several emails and blog posts left behind. the ones written and sent by me. and i was reminded of how stupid i was for having been fooled for so long, time after time. truth is, i always knew. from the very beginning, i could even pinpoint the exact big fat bitchwhore to be careful of. but i chose to shut my eyes so tight that i didn’t see what was happening later and later on.

okay, this is getting a little too personal. let’s take a step back.

i just need to rant. i have asked for help from someone whom i know cares for my well being and has shared the almost exact same experience. i have talked to a few respectable others who advised me to just manage my anger and let go. but i haven’t completely. i have come to a sad conclusion that even though i’m still a sucker for love and sappy, predictable romance, it’s probably not that great.

take it from me: love comes with hurt. they rhyme. but more importantly, they’re inseparable. if the love that i used to feel so intensely about can be nearly forgotten and overlooked, from now on my money is on ‘anger’. it’s more powerful and less predictable. i’m not saying it’s healthy, but oh, it wins.

no religion or mind virus, is there a hope that the facts will ever find us?

this is a question from my Art History online class. i think i went a teeny bit off base, if not off-topic.

Q: Often modern viewers and historians try to psychoanalyze artists through their work. What do you think of this notion? How much should we read into a work of art? Would you want people to read that deeply into your own work to formulate opinions about you and your state of mind?

Art is not always planned, nor is it always predictable. It is my believe that even though there are reasons and purposes behind each piece of work from most artists, some of them are results of spontaneity, creativity, and subconscious minds of the artists. Psychoanalysis can help revealing not only the meaning intended to be seen but also what lies beneath, at least to a degree. As writing classes always encourage; show, don’t tell. And although psychoanalyzing artwork can help us understand better of the artist’s background and anything related, art is not scientific nor mathematic. Art, and design, for that matter, is of personal opinion. There is no exact scale or standardization to define the meaning of each peace. I’m sure as much as some artists would like viewers to see their hidden meaning, there are some who wouldn’t agree that you’d look too deep into it.

To psychoanalyze means to investigate the mind and create theories about human behaviour. It is something most people do daily, to understand what a lonesome woman in a coffee shop may be thinking, or to crack the code that Leonardo da Vinci may or may not have left behind. Does looking so deep into the meaning behind the work make us blind to seeing what’s right on the surface? Life is full of mysteries and unanswered questions, what’s a few more?

Personally, I think psychoanalyzing the artwork is a good thing, if it’s not overdone. As much as we’d like to understand the creators of these beautiful things we admire, we have to be careful not to put too much of ourselves into the analysis and misinterpret the work as a whole.

this is a lesson in procrastination.

been a while since i last blogged.. i’ve been wanting to, but there are so many reasons and there is no reason at all as to why i didn’t.

well, remember this scene?

i left the school building as the sun started to set, and i figured the vibrant shades of purple that i see on the horizon was worth chasing. and so i did. for memory’s sake and for the entertainment of @keikokaneiwa, i drove all the way out to ocean beach, took this picture, and left.

goodnight, y’all.

P.S. @ariom i just saw your comment. haven’t talked to you in so long. hope everything is fine. please take care. miss talking to you always.

another promise, another scene. another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed.

i hope i’m not fooling myself thinking that i’ve come a long way since childhood.

although i’m still childish in more ways than one, i’m still irresponsible about things that should matter, i’m still enjoying the brainless laughter that most people my age and older would not hesitate to frown upon.. i still think i’ve come a long way, i’ve learned many lessons, i’ve earned my title as a grown person.

somehow, along the way, i still think i’ve lost so many things that used to make me ‘me’. in the process of growing up to be who i am today, i gained, and i sacrificed parts of my being. and the rest of those parts are mourning for that loss.. dramatic as it seems, may i ask this question: is there anyone that does not miss the child within themself?

when you look back, there are regrets, there are embarrassments, there are unknown facts that you happily discovered and learned and you were happy to know more and more. and now, don’t you wish you didn’t know some things? don’t you wish you were still naive enough to not know some sort of pain, seen some kind of tragic, heard some unpleasant sound, and so on? well, i do. as grateful as i am about everything i’ve got, i sit and ponder. i never really thought i’d like me if i were someone else and had to meet me. i never really appreciated how much tolerance my parents and any other authority figures must have had. i never really understood why friendship never lasted. and now i just wish i could do it all over again.

i completely lost my point, sorry. it wasn’t supposed to come out like that. i didn’t plan on blogging about that. i’ve been spending my days and nights doing useless things and doing the bare minimum of whatever assignments given. i’ve been living the past few weeks thinking i no longer live under any stress, at least not since the last crisis. but i guess i’ve got more than that underneath. somewhere that i actually had to dig to see.

i guess that’s part of what i miss.. the one layer thoughts, instead of holes and bumps and obstacles all over.

.. and no one likes to be alone

i stumbled across something today.. something that i think was about me, but i have no prove, and i can’t possibly gather the nerve to ask. but it is something that can really hurt the feelings of the person it was meant for. let’s say.. if it was really about me, then i’m truly hurt.

the world seems not the same, though i know nothing has changed.

 

school is underway, and so i went to spend my last day of utter freedom alone at the beach. honestly, the last time i went to sit on the beach during the way was back in 2007, and before that, about never. don’t ask me what the fascination was. there’s so much i can say about the horizon, the view of the cliffs, the way sunlight hits every grain of sand and reflects different shades of gray and brown, the excitement in the eyes of adorable four-legged creatures called dogs, the truly endless blue up above and right in front with orange beams dancing and flickering on the wavy surface, and the relaxing look on just about everyone’s faces.

as soon as i got out of the car, i looked up at the freedom. i literally nearly tipped over because i was so amazed at the beauty of it. i enjoyed the beauty of the sky and thought of the endless possibilities that go on underneath it everyday. and then i walked around. i started to look down. i saw people. i saw people walking their dogs. i saw people sunbathing. i saw people holding hands. i saw people biking. i saw people patrolling. i saw people carrying their children on their shoulders. i saw people throwing balls for their dogs. then i looked down further. i saw different states of sand, from the most wet and dense, to light and fluffy. and i just kept staring. i stared at the sand  beneath and around me for what seemed like hours.i stared and played with it.

that was when i realized, that i live in my own bubble. and i enjoy it. i stopped looking at the endless blues. i stopped looking at people. i stopped looking at dogs. i sat there, in the most open space known to man, with the exception of a desert or mid-ocean. i sat there, and i was in my own bubble. i have all the freedom and in the crowd with all these people, and yet, i choose my bubble.

then why is it so hard sometimes, inside this bubble?

the world comes to life and everything’s bright

this song got me weeping in the car today, with flashes of happy moments with certain friends before my eyes, while driving. it’s not safe, but they are friends i love, cherish, and value so much.

it is now on repeat, with me singing shamelessly to it. friends, i love. but the maids might hate me now as i’m only a wall away from them. haa.

edit: okay, i don’t know about the maids, but Sherry’s eyes are twitching in her sleep. lol.

baby, you just bought yourself a brand new man, a brand new man

today’s list is five men worth going back straight for – even though i’m not sure some of them were even straight :p

5. a tie between Jensen Ackles and Alexander Skarsgard (as Eric Northman ONLY)
4. Mark Wahlberg
3. Paul Walker
2. Jackson Rathbone

and..

1. Chace Crawford

random conversation with my parents

dad: *testing my mom* what’s Smallville about, do you know?
mom: the half man half bat person!
me: *died laughing* yeah, it’s the story of Batman after he hung the bat suit and took on regular lifestyle.

i never told you to settle for sex

five women worth going gay for – if i’m not already..

5. Rachel Weisz
4. Sienna Guillory (as Jill Valentine ONLY)
3. Elisha Cuthbert
2. Megan Fox

and..

1. Olivia Wilde

random conversation with my mom

me: so, what happens if i get a girlfriend instead of a new boyfriend?
mom: good, i guess. i won’t have to worry that you’ll get knocked up before marriage.

gee, thanks ma.

i once knew a girl in the years of my youth

i had a fight with my mom the other day. midday, downtown shopping mall. and i cried.

isn’t it weird to feel unloved by a parent sometimes? i mean.. i guess that happens to everyone at some point, but to know with all my heart that she loves but she doesn’t show, should that hurt?

these past few years, lets say, after my brother left home for school in the States, it has become much more pronounced. she missed him more, she showed him more. i missed them both, surely not any less, but to hear things about one from the other rather than from the source all the time is quite a stretch on the mind. how often do they talk? how long do they talk for?

we pride ourselves on being a family of no secrets. she often spoke so herself, being so proud that i give her every possible detail of my life for the time we have on the phone. and how come i feel they have so many little secrets hidden from my dad and me?

it’s not an easy feeling having to debate whether or not i should go with when the two of them have something planned. i have to see them walking side by side, whispering, giggling, discussing over everything when i’m several paces behind, and then get annoyed looks without answers when i tried to catch up.

it’s not an easy feeling getting every single opinion turned down, just to see they agreed to each other on the exact same thing later on. looking at them is like looking at a pair of very close siblings. like looking into a very private world where no one can invade.

and my dad wonders why i’m sticking around him so much..?

i said this to her that day, which probably choked her a little: ‘I’m not saying you loved him more, because I do know that you love your kids. But I’m saying you show him so much more than you’ve been showing me.’

guess what dad half-jokingly said to her today..

‘You don’t love our children equally.’